Creating Collaborative Boundaries: A Guide for Parents

Parents Agree on Boundaries

What to Do:
Parents need to have an open conversation with each other about their individual priorities and values regarding boundaries. It can be helpful for each caregiver to identify what are the most important boundaries for them in order of importance (e.g., cleaning, homework, socializing, sport, gaming—possibly just start with four). Then, work together to find common ground. Remember, having agreed-upon boundaries—even if imperfect—is more beneficial to the child than inconsistent rules. It may be helpful to seek support during this process to navigate this.

Example:
If you have different views on how much cleaning and responsibility your child should have, start by identifying what is important to both of you (e.g., being responsible or having balanced downtime) and identify non-negotiables (e.g., cleaning after dinner). What can then be negotiated is how often and how much.

Involve the child/teen in the Conversation

What to Do:
Children often have valuable insights into why they struggle with certain boundaries (e.g., they don’t understand the rule, feel overwhelmed, or face emotional challenges). Including the child early in the process fosters collaboration and helps them feel heard. Understanding the child’s perspective is key to finding a solution that works for everyone. Acknowledging and validating their feelings and thoughts regarding the topic is the first step in the conversation.

Examples:
For Cleaning:

• “How do you feel about cleaning your room once a week? Would it help if we made a list of tasks and broke them down into smaller steps?”
• “What would make it easier for you to stay on top of cleaning?”
• “What gets in the way of doing it?”

For Gaming:

• Be curious about the why: is it excitement, social connection, stress relief, or something else?
• “What do you enjoy most about playing games?”
• “What makes gaming more fun than other activities?”
• “Are there certain games that you really like to play? What is it about those games that you enjoy?”
• “How do you feel after playing a game for a while? Happy, tired, excited?”

Together, find a balanced solution that respects everyone’s needs.

For Bedtime:
Your child might share that they have trouble winding down or want to stay up late as it’s important for them to connect with friends online. By listening to their reasons, you can work together to find a solution.

Set realistic and Collaborative Boundaries and Consequences

What to Do:
Rather than imposing a boundary unilaterally, collaborate with your child to co-create rules. This helps ensure the boundary is fair, reasonable, and likely to be respected. The goal is not punishment but learning and growth. It also supports the child feeling heard and valued.

Key Principles:

• Empathy: Consequences should be seen as opportunities for growth, not punishments.
• Natural or Logical Consequences: Let natural outcomes happen when possible, as these often provide the most meaningful lessons.
• Consistency: Consistent follow-through helps children understand that their actions lead to predictable outcomes.
• Problem-Solving: Involve the child in finding solutions. This builds critical thinking skills and empowers them to make better choices.
• Reflection and Learning: After applying a consequence, have a discussion with your child about what happened, why the consequence was applied, and what they can do differently next time.

Example:
If the issue is gaming, collaborate with your child on:

• What’s reasonable (e.g., 1 hour on weekdays, 2 hours on weekends)?
• When it’s okay to play (e.g., after homework or chores)?
• What happens if the boundary is not respected (e.g., a brief loss of gaming time the next day)?

As Dr. Greene of the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model says, “We need to be flexible about how we achieve the boundaries, but firm about the boundary itself.” Flexibility in how you reach the boundary is important because children’s needs, developmental stages, and circumstances can change. However, the boundary itself should remain clear and firm. His core philosophy is that children want to do well, but sometimes they face challenges that prevent them from meeting expectations. By collaboratively setting and respecting boundaries, you can help your children develop the skills they need to thrive.